Assault rifles and bathrooms

If you indulge me for a moment, the title of this post will make sense. I promise.

Apparently who uses what bathroom is now a hot-button issue in America, because nobody wants to tackle actual problems and this country is still full of bigoted, narrow-minded people. The issue, specifically, is which bathrooms transgender people use. Do they use the bathroom that corresponds to their sex, or do they use the bathroom of the gender which they identify with?

This is actually a completely stupid question for a variety of reasons, all of which we’ll cover here in a moment. However, the argument against letting people use the bathroom of the gender with which they identify is the children. It’s always about children, and as I’ve said before, if an argument uses children as a weapon it’s probably full of bullshit, using the “appeal to emotion” fallacy.


Because if we allow transgender men to use the women’s bathroom, it’ll just give perverts an excuse to go in there and perv on little girls. If we allow this, apparently pedophiles will all go, “Yeah, I’m trans so I’m going into the girl’s bathroom! Mwahaha!” Or there’s a bunch of latent perverts out there who have just been waiting for the okay to go into the women’s bathroom. Or something stupid like that. And so now we have bills proposed in states that actually try and legislate who uses what bathroom. At the very least, people claim, little girls may end up seeing a penis.

All of this makes me question if the people who write these laws have ever been inside a restroom. But let’s look at some of the reasons why this is really a non issue.

How many men here have accidentally gone into and used the ladies restroom? I know I have. I’m sure lots of men have. And I’m sure lots of women have accidentally gone into a men’s room. And nothing happened that caused an incident warranting federal investigation or the passing of legislation. Nobody took their dick out and waved it all around once they realized they walked into the wrong restroom. Nobody suddenly transformed into a pervert because they simply walked through the wrong door.

And now how about this. How many people out there have young children? How many of you have been out in public and had to take your child to the restroom? Well, which bathroom did you take them into? Dads, did you worry that taking your daughter into the men’s room was going to somehow corrupt her? That there’d be so many penises flailing about in the open that she’d grow up to be some horn dog slut? Moms, did you worry that taking your son into the ladies room would suddenly turn him into a creepy little perv? Probably not. Or maybe you dads took your little girl into the ladies room, in which case you were the trespasser. Again, no federal case here. Nothing unseemly.

Now, let’s examine the fact that transgender people have existed for awhile. Like, way longer than these stupid proposed laws. Well where the hell do all of these anti-LGBT people think that trans people were peeing before this? They obviously went into a bathroom, and they probably went into whichever one they felt like. And there was no problem. No issues. Nothing gross or unseemly. Just people doing a perfectly natural bodily function. There was no problem here to begin with that justifies the creation of these laws.

“But what about the sexual predators!?” I can hear people yelling this now. “It’s not little girls who go in with their daddy we’re worried about, it’s older children young enough to go into the restroom by themselves. And that’s why we need these strong laws, to protect the children!” Ted Cruz said shit like this all the time on the campaign trail. Ironically, Ted Cruz looks like someone who should never be allowed near women or children. Like someone who spends a lot of time hanging around the women’s restroom.

Stay the hell out of whichever bathroom this man is in, boys and girls!

And this is where assault rifles come into play.

In case you live in a cave, children are killed by guns. Like, a lot. Mass shooting at schools aren’t an uncommon thing. Disgruntled kids or adults come into a school and shoot the whole place up. So, after these tragedies, there’s usually a call for legislation that proposes some kind of gun control. Banning assault weapons, banning extended clips, getting rid of the gun show loophole, extending background checks and waiting periods. You know, common sense stuff that the majority of Americans agree on. And these laws are designed to protect children against the very real threat of gun violence.

Well since we’re trying to protect children, you’d think these same anti-LGBT people would be all about gun control. If they’re so concerned about the safety of children. But they never are. Whenever gun control legislation is even talked about theoretically, you hear the same argument pop up over and over again: “Criminals don’t respect laws, you dumb liberals! That’s why they’re criminals!” You know, this kind of bullshit:

Gee, that’s funny. If criminals don’t follow laws, then WHY THE FUCK WOULD SEXUAL PREDATORS GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT BATHROOM LAWS?! Oh that’s right, they wouldn’t, because according to your own stupid logic, passing laws doesn’t stop crime. And yes, I was trying to make a pun by using the phrase “give two shits” in a post about bathrooms.

Which begs the question of why even bother having any laws in the first place if you think that they don’t have any effect, but that’s a topic for another post.

So what, are there going to be genital inspectors at every public restroom in America? Are there going to be undercover gender police in America’s bathrooms, kind of like the air marshals on planes? No, of course not, get the fuck out of here. You’d essentially be counting on any would-be sexual predators screening themselves out on good faith alone simply because a law was passed. Which, by their own logic, doesn’t work. So why bother with trying to legislate which bathroom trans people can use the first place?

There are probably several reasons. For one thing, most Americans are still weirdly and grossly ashamed of the fact that they have genitals, especially religious folk, who think gentials should be hidden and remain hidden forever, because penises and vaginas = Satan. And of course there are still people who don’t “get” the whole transgender thing. They don’t understand it, so they’re afraid of it. Or they do understand it, but think it’s unnatural and against God’s will, so once again, the devil.

And maybe it’s also because conservatives don’t really have any platform to run on besides “lower my taxes” and “government = bad.” It’s the ultimate irony. The party that thinks there’s too much government in your life always wants to try to legislate who you marry, who you fuck, and now which bathroom you use.


3 thoughts on “Assault rifles and bathrooms

  1. Ryan, for the first time here in Los Angeles, I decided to use a “Family” restroom in a large shopping mall. I was surprised to see both male and female parents with their young sons and daughters. This makes so much sense!

  2. Another example of the conservative right excercising their “right” to discriminate. Move along folks, nothing to see here but the status quo.


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