I already broke my vow not to post about religion anymore, so let’s go for broke here. I have a lot of problems with the bible and it’s no secret. Today I was thinking about the flood and Noah, and a few questions about the whole thing occurred to me. God created the flood to wipe out humanity–except for Noah–because he was displeased with man’s wicked ways. Fine, whatever. Men are evil, I’ll give you that one, bible (apparently God’s flood solution didn’t really fix that, though. Good one, God!). But the bible is quite clear that the flood destroyed everything. That’s why Noah had to bring all the animals on the earth with him in the ark. And two thoughts occurred to me.
1. What about plants? God’s instructions to Noah are pretty specific about collecting all the animals. But nowhere does the Almighty mention anything about plants. Which I find kind of weird, considering life on this planet couldn’t exist without them. And I don’t know too many plants beside kelp that could make it through 150 days of being water-logged, starved of sunlight, and deprived of CO2. The biblical account of the flood makes it abundantly clear that every living thing on the planet is going to die. Yet there’s no mention of a stockpile of seeds on the ark. No gardens. Nothing. Of course Noah had to bring some plants aboard the ark to feed the animals. But I’ll assume that the animals ate them. Am I to assume that Noah also gathered two of every plant on the earth as well? Well, if you interpret the bible literally, I would have to assume that if it’s not in the bible, it didn’t happen. So, bible, please explain the biodiversity of plant life on earth. Explain to me how all of the non-aquatic plants we see today made it through a 150 day flood that God says killed every single living thing on the planet.
2. Why the animals? This was actually the first thought that I had. If God’s problem is with man, then why did everything have to die? So man is evil and wicked, kill everything? Because human beings are screwed up, everything else has to pay for it? What am I supposed to conclude here? That animals were also wicked? Because if animals don’t have souls or aren’t capable of sin, that means they’re all innocent. Which means that God essentially murdered a bunch of innocent creatures because he was angry with man. Which is stupid.
Actually, the whole flood myth is stupid. It’s clearly a rip-off of flood mythology that predates it (Gilgamesh, anyone?). But these two thoughts bring me to what I concluded from this whole thing. If I can do something better than God, He doesn’t exist.
This plan of God’s to wipe out humanity is really stupid. It makes no sense. First of all, the time frame. I have the same problem with creation myth. It took an omnipotent being outside of time and space 6 days to create one planet? And then he had to rest? What the hell is that? You’re the supreme being–just blink everything into existence at once. The same with the flood. 40 days of rain? Why? Just snap your godly fingers and kill all mankind in an instant. There, problem solved. My problem with God is that all of his plans are insanely convoluted and filled with unnecessary pageantry. A burning bush? Why? What possible advantage does that serve over just fucking speaking directly to someone (which we already know he can do thanks to Abraham)? God could take a flesh and blood form and come down and do miracles until the cows come home to verify he is who he is, and then lay down the law. But instead we get a burning bush? Stone tablets? Come on. Why not just permanently etch the commandments into the side of a mountain, for all to see? Reveal the commandments–God’s most important laws ever–to a small group of people in central Asia and then wait for them to invent the printing press and boats to spread it to the new world? Why not just appear to everyone in the world at the same time and lay down the law?
And then there’s the problem with why God created the flood. He was disappointed with his creation. Well, if God exists in the past, present, and future, shouldn’t he have, I don’t know…seen that coming?! God knowingly created something he knew would fail him, would disappoint him? Why? That actually sounds a lot more in line with a God who just “flipped a switch” and let the universe sort itself out rather than a supreme creator who created everything 6,000 years ago exactly as we see it today. But that’s beside the point.
The actual point is that if I can think of a better way to do something than God did it, doesn’t that speak to an utter incompetence on God’s part? And how could an omnipotent and omniscient being possibly be incompetent?
I know I’m not the first person to ask these questions. And usually when these questions are asked, they’re met by generic answers like, “Well, He works in mysterious ways,” or “His ways are beyond us.” Except that’s bullshit, and it doesn’t really answer the question. They’re cop outs. They’re excuses. They don’t explain at all why I, with my puny mortal brain, can think of a dozen better ways to do it than God did it. Even, “I don’t know. If God is eternal, maybe he’s just bored and does things the way he does to amuse himself?” would be a better answer.
The bottom line is that the logical gaps and inconsistencies in the bible are so numerous it’s staggering. I suppose that’s why Christianity requires faith.
And now for some hilarious memes.