A year without sex

I realized the other day that it’s been 1.5 years since I’ve had sex. I guess I hadn’t really let the gravity of 18 months of celibacy sink in. But after some reflection, it became apparent to me that the reason why this milestone came as an afterthought is because, quite frankly, I don’t think about sex superficially.

Yes, I’m a red-blooded heterosexual guy. Shocking, I know, but we aren’t all ruled by our dicks. Some of us even have mammalian brains that override the primordial reptilian brain underneath.

Don’t get me wrong, I definitely and thoroughly enjoy sex. The trick for me, though, is that I can’t enjoy it unless there’s an emotional component. It took me a long time to learn that about myself. In my younger days (oh sweet Jesus, I can actually legitimately say that now) I had a few one night stands. And each time I remember feeling pretty ambivalent about the experience. I didn’t find anything exciting or erotic about it; I just felt like some lowly, pathetic stooge.

Why would I feel that way? Any two people with functional genitalia can mash them together. There’s nothing remarkable about screwing; we’re all capable of fucking, so what’s the big deal?

Sex to me has always been about intimacy. It isn’t some “itch that needs to be scratched” or some trivial impulse to be satisfied. Sex is a way to deepen the connection you have with another human being. The key word here is deepen (no pun intended…), as in, there was already a connection there to begin with. Specifically an emotional connection. To me, sex without emotion or feelings is an incomplete experience.

If all I want is to mash my dick into something wildly without thinking until I cum then I might as well stay at home and fuck my own hand. Honestly. Otherwise what else am I getting out of that experience? Nothing that I couldn’t get from myself (or a toy).

To be frank, sexual arousal is extremely difficult for me without emotional arousal–and no, lust is not an emotion. I’m not necessarily talking about the L word, either. I just want to feel something deeper than, “Hey you’re hot–now let’s bone.” There has to be substance to the whole thing. Mind, body, and soul–not just body.

In this sense, sex has never had a particularly strong hold over me. When I’m in a relationship with a woman that’s a different story. But during those times that I’m single, sex alone isn’t going to grab my attention. Women who use sex as a weapon (and I’ve met plenty in my time) have always amused me, and I’ve always irked them. I see right through all that bullshit and it doesn’t affect me.

1.5 years without sex has been surprisingly easy. The world didn’t stop spinning, I didn’t build up tension until I exploded. I just continued to live my life. It’s that easy. Do I want to have sex again? Yes, of course. But I want it to be with someone that I care about. I want sex to be more than some arrangement or transaction. Perhaps that’s overly romantic in this day and age. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for, and I think that both people come away better and richer and more satisfied from a deeper sexual relationship, one that combines the physical with the emotional. The old saying is that sex is 90% mental and 10% physical. Seems to me that if you’re only putting in the physical part, you’re only getting 10% of the benefits and experience.

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6 thoughts on “A year without sex

  1. Great post, I agree 100% Sex is better with a person you are connected to emotional. The risks of casual sex are so high as well, it’s better to wait till you found the right person.

  2. I agree with you Ryan. I am the same way in that I want to at the very least like the person I’m having sex with. I don’t think this is a terrible way to be. I do think that people display a range of sexual desire. For some people with high sex drives, if they find each other, a night of lusty meaningless sex, may actually be satisfying. I read a paper in the fall that was talking about how there is a generally correlation between those with perhaps a lower level of sexual interest generally prefer more substantive relationships and seek emotional satisfaction from multiple sources not just sex.

    1. Sounds like an interesting study. I’ll have to find it and give it a read!

      There’s definitely a spectrum when it comes to sex drive and what turns people on. I wasn’t trying to particularly knock people who have higher sex drives than me. I just can’t relate to it is all. If casual sex makes a person happy, then whatevs, have at it.

      Interestingly enough, I wouldn’t say that I have a low sex drive or anything of the sort. I doubt I think about sex less than the average person; I just think think about it in a different context than people who want it casually or with no strings attached.

  3. +1 on emotional attachment. Having a connection with a partner drives my desire as much or more than just the urge to merge. Sex in and of itself is great, but the connection makes it meaningful.

    …although after a year and a half I would sure as hell settle for a one night stand that turned into a 3 dog night. Aroooo!!

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