Alien abductions aren’t real

This is a post in a similar vein to my last one in that I’m about to rant about why something is total bullshit–in this case alien abductions. What I think frustrates me the most about these stories is the total lack of logic behind them. Allow me to elaborate.

Most alien abduction scenarios fall into one of five categories:

1) “The aliens abducted me and did horrible experiments on me.” When people hear these stories, they typically think of the whole “anal probe” business. But in general, recurring themes here include having body parts removed and reattached, having long needles inserted into various unsavory places, drilling, etc. In the name of science and knowledge, I assume? It’s never made clear why aliens are doing this. Anyway, this should automatically smell like a big steaming pile of crap to everyone. So, these people are going to look me in the eyes and tell me that these extraterrestrials, who have mastered interstellar travel and can break the laws of physics, have to resort to medieval levels of medicine in order to do biological research? Somehow they figured out how to travel faster than the speed of light, but they never figured out what an MRI is? Highly doubtful. Current human technology can tell you almost anything you’d want to know about a person’s health and body without slicing them open or shoving red-hot pokers up their asses, so I’d have to believe the aliens would be light-years ahead of us technologically here.

2) “Aliens are genetically engineering humans to survive some sort of impending disaster.” Well if this isn’t the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of, I don’t know what is. First of all, as far as science is concerned, time travel is impossible. But let’s grant for a moment that it IS possible, just for the sake of argument. So the aliens have somehow traveled to the future and it doesn’t look so bright for humanity. Well isn’t it awfully benevolent of them to help us! Thank goodness they’ve been abducting people and slowly directing the course of human evolution so that we’ll all grow gills and survive the melting of the ice caps or whatever BS these idiots are peddling. Except that, like all time travel, this creates a paradox. If the aliens genetically engineer us to change the future, they change the very impetus for their time travel in the first place, which means that by changing us they remove the very thing that caused them to travel to the future to begin with, thereby negating the whole thing. But aside from that, why do the aliens even give a shit? Why should they care that humanity doesn’t survive the next two hundred or however many years? What’s their motivation? Why genetically tamper with people, which is a very slow, long-term process, when there could very easily be an easily implemented technological solution? There are so many unanswered questions here it’s ridiculous.

3) “Aliens need human DNA in order to save themselves from impending disaster.” This scenario is kind of like the previous one, except reversed. Something devastating is happening on the alien home world, and human DNA is the only thing that can stop it for some retarded reason. Let’s start with the obvious. Who says that human and alien DNA are even compatible? Perhaps the aliens aren’t even carbon based lifeforms. People who believe in alien abduction automatically assume that aliens have the same genetic structure we do, with the same chemical makeup and the same four base pair sequences, etc. Why? Who knows how evolution would occur on an alien world. Their genetic structure could be something we haven’t even thought of yet. But more to the point, why can’t the aliens manipulate their own genetic structure to solve the problem? We human beings are incredibly close to being able to do so–some might even argue that we could be doing so now if it weren’t for cultural and political constraints. So why can’t the aliens with the vastly superior knowledge and technology grow their own damn gills or whatever?

4) “Aliens are breeding with humans to create a hybrid species.” Again…why? What possible purpose could this have? To what end? All you need to do to punch a hole in this argument is simply look at who the aliens are abducting. Yes, the aliens are trying to create a hybrid race, so they abduct Cleetus and Jim Bob from Yeehaw, Alabama–the perfect genetic specimens that they are. Why aren’t Nobel scientists ever abducted for their genes? Or Olympic athletes? If aliens were engaged in some sort of eugenics program, you’d think they’d choose better genetic samples. A second problem that we run into, again, is the issue of genetic compatibility. If aliens have a totally different genetic structure than we do–which is entire possible and even probable to some extent–then trying to interbreed with humans would be you like you or I trying to have sex with a dog in hopes of creating a new hybrid race of adorable puppy/humans. It’s totally insane and stupid, not to mention utterly impossible.

5) “The aliens gave me advanced knowledge about space/technology/the future of humanity.” Here we run into the Jim Bob problem again. Aliens decide to give humanity some history-altering piece of information and who do they give it to? The world leaders who could actually affect change? No, they give it to some fisherman in Dick-in-my-hand, Alaska on his way back from the annual Trout Festival. Because that makes perfect sense. Same idea with people who claim aliens showed them their advanced technology. What the hell is Sandra, homemaker from Oh-Don’tcha-Know, Wisconsin supposed to do with the engineering and technological details of an extraterrestrial spaceship? Why not abduct the astrophysicist with a PhD? Because that would make too much sense, apparently.

Look. Ultimately I believe that intelligent life beyond our planet exists. And I believe it’s entirely within the realm of possibility that said life has visited our planet. But only visited. As in taken a look from afar. Aliens didn’t develop advanced technology and travel vast interstellar distances because they’re sadists that enjoy shoving things in our orifices. There’s no logical, compelling reason for them to abduct human beings. It’s my firm belief that most people who believe they’re abducted are suffering from some sort of sleep paralysis. Which seems entirely more logical and probable to me.

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3 thoughts on “Alien abductions aren’t real

  1. Ummm, haven’t you watched Ancient Aliens? Gotcha!! Eleventy!!

    I’m with you, the sheer incomprehensible vastness of the universe all but guarantees life is out there, somewhere. That it could get here, or even give a whit about us, other than as a curiosity, is doubtful. Not impossible, but doubtful. I would love to see the tech that could accomplish interstellar travel without turning the occupants into little dust bunnies. Even light speed, if it is ever possible to achieve, or exceed, it would still take a long damn time to get anywhere. Then we have to consider radiation, and basic survival supplies, equipment breakdowns, crew disagreements, and even considering all of the logical obstacles, and being prepared for them, what usually gets you is the unexpected. Hell, I cant take a 500 mile trip in the car without having something I didn’t expect to happen. Now lets see you get to the next star…let alone halfway across the galaxy.

    Aliens, I have no doubt they exist in some shape or another, somewhere out there, but the notion of them running about willy nilly throughout the universe, abducting humans, and doing surgical experiments on cows, or having some sort of involvement with every major achievement of mankind, is a tad absurd. Yeah Ancient Aliens…I’m looking at you.

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